The Reluctant Writer

Even as I sit down to write there is a part of me that isn’t willing. The internal voice childishly says “I don’t wanna, and you can’t make me”. Although, I feel really good when I write, I resist it. It’s almost as though I know I’ll be successful. I find every reason in the world why not to write. I say to myself, I really should be outside right now, I’ll get to it later, my computer isn’t set up, I have to give the dog a bath, wash the dishes, fold the clothes, I don’t want to type I want to write it long hand, I really need a laptop, I’m not that good anyway, what’s the point. Till everything spins around in my head and I finally sit on the couch watching another episode and Scrubs, eating Junior Mints.

There is however, an inner knowing inside of me that with its small still voice cries, “Don’t die with your music still in you”. So, I have now officially chosen to listen to that voice, to speak what is in my heart to speak and allow myself to make mistakes and learn from my own writing and the writings of others. I have devised a simple and strategic plan to get around the mind and trick myself into writing. This I say to myself “I know you don’t wanna, and yes, I will make you!”

The Acceptance Strategy

I will listen to the arguments of the mind in an objective way, remaining detached from its need to control or have me, the true me, conform to its will.

I will allow my mind to wonder, explore and become relaxed.

I will stay in a state of gratitude for the ability to be a writer (not a good, bad, ok or excellent writer, just a writer)

I will not attached labels to the work I have done or will do, I will use that presence and in the moment awareness to allow the writing to flow through me.

When I sit to write, I will allow the egoic mind to have its own place in the work, giving it what it needs, to be apart of the process. Until I am completely able to let go of the ego, I must make these little predetermined jobs for it to do. Otherwise, it will harass me to pay attention to it, instead of to the creative process. By adding the ego to the creative process I will incorporate its own unique qualities into the work.

An example of how the ego mind can help be apart of the Creative Process:

• You can determine how long you would like to spend on each piece; the ego can keep track of that.
• You can determine if a character uses egoic qualities such as jealousy, anger, worry or fear, and ask the ego what would be the best way for that to be demonstrated.
• Since the ego is like a child wanting only to avoid pain and allow in pleasure, it speaks to the pain and joys of the human condition. When writing fiction this is a very important job to maintain.
• It can keep track of all the characters and their functions so that as I write and get wrapped up in the excitement of the plot, the ego can remind me about my characters and what their goals and motivations are.
  

I know it is very difficult for me to maintain a regime of writing. People have suggested that I write a little everyday. That has been difficult for me to do in the past. I have just been introduced to the blogger site and I am choosing to use it to write as needed. This helps to get around the mind that says that I have to sit down, take time out of the day and write for long periods.

I will allow myself to feel my feelings and experience my emotions, whether they are considered good or bad, right or wrong.

I will incorporate my life into my stories to further accept and allow those experiences to move through me.

I will be willing to let go of anything that doesn’t serve me or the writing I was meant to create. This includes judgment, fear, fatigue, and blame.

I will search my heart and my feelings if I receive resistance from the ego or the mind when beginning my writing, in the middle or the end. I choose to see the truth in my creative process.

I will allow the creative process to take me over with rapture, allowing my heart to expand, my body to relax and my soul to open up.

When I don’t want to write, I will get the creative juices flowing with painting.

When I don’t want to paint, I will get the creative juices flowing with a walk.

When I don’t want to walk, I will get the creative juices flowing with an uplifting movie, eating a delicious meal, kayaking, going to a museum, or listening to a book on tape.

This is my plan for a beautiful journey of self discovery and acceptance of the truth that is in me to be the truth that comes from me and ultimately, from that creative force which moves us all.

Copyright 2008 Ashley Clark AKA Kyra Clark. All Rights Reserved.